You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2009.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2009

Today is the day, we have been somewhat anxiously waiting for…whatever this “foreign body” is showing up on my ultrasound is disturbing to me. As I said before, it renders as a BRIGHT WHITE object among a field of black and grey sound waves. I am going to ask for the films today when we go in. I like to have everything in my own file, and then maybe I can post for you all to see. It isn’t subtle.

I am challenged by the angles we look at the uterus during the ultrasound, so I am unclear exactly where it is. Suddenly I feel uneducated, I am usually pretty on top of it.

I have a few small pre-op instructions, and as I have reviewed them this morning, I am getting really anxious. Not so much that it will go wrong. From what I understand, there are very few risks…infection, puncture of the endometrium…all less than 1%. I think I am scared of the pain. The HSG and Saline Sonogram were more painful for me than the average bear. I am working hard at just breathing this morning, and not getting worked up. However, I have not been able to keep myself out of the bathroom for long, yikes! Nerves.

The procedure is at 1p, with a check-in of noon. I’ll pick hubby up at 11:40a.

Here are the pre-op instructions:

  • Take 1 Doxycycline at bedtime night before procedure
  • Take 1 Doxycycline morning of procedure
  • No food or water after 10a
  • Bring pre-op meds with you to noon check-in (They called in 1 valium, 2 vicodin)

OKAY! I’ll be interested to see how it goes. I expect I’ll be drugged up after the procedure as they’ll give IV fentanyl or verced during as well. Luck to me 🙂

Womens Health Blogs - Blog Catalog Blog Directory

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2009

It would seem that the bcp was the culprit. I am feeling better all the time. Thank god the crying is over. Although, I am now very anxious about what is to come with the injections. Right now I can’t think too much about it, I just need to go day by day.

We decided to head out of town for the weekend. Hubbo has been working too hard, and a change of scenery will do me good.

Tuesday, April 7 is the hysteroscopy. I am sure there will be plenty to report next week.

TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2009

Would you believe that the bcp they put me on last week caused this total melt down? I suppose I should have thought of it, but I wasn’t thinking of anything except how to stop the crying. I have stopped that particular bcp (Reclipsen) and gone back to what I was taking before I got married (Levora). Levora never caused any problems, so we should know pretty shortly if this is the issue.

I can say, I am incredibly tired, and for once, grateful I am not working right now.

My parents have been unbelievably supportive. My mother took me to my psychiatrist appointment and waited outside in the car. When I got back in the car she didn’t ask questions, probe for answers, I was shocked. She just wanted to take me to eat, she said I looked a little gaunt. After lunch she came over, cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry. I took a little nap, she read some mags and just sat with me. I felt a little like a child, but I really needed my mom to just be my mom, and she was. I could never put into words how that helped me, and how much it means to me that she did that.

I am exhausted, so that’s all I can journal for today. Interested to see how I progress throughout the week.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2009

Still waiting on my mom, listening to one of my favorite songs by Lyle Lovett, If I Needed You. My husband had said, If you need me, call me, have them get me if I am in a meeting, I can be home in five minutes. He means it, he does. But he is busy, and we need him to have a job now! So I listen to this song instead and have great solace.

If I needed you
Would you come to me
Would you come to me
And ease my pain
If you needed me
I would come to you
I’d swim the seas
For to ease your pain

In the night forlorn
Ah, the morning’s born
And the morning shines
With the lights of love
You will miss sunrise
If you close your eyes
That would break
My heart in two

Lady’s with me now
Since I showed her how
To lay her lilly hand in mine
Loop and Lil agree
She’s a sight to see
And a treasure for
The poor to find

Here is a video of EmmyLou Harris doing a cover. LOVE THIS SONG.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2009

It just won’t stop. I am in a fog. And it has nothing to do with our San Francisco weather. The day is beautiful. The kind that is so clear you want to run outside and do anything.

I made sure to get out of bed as soon as my husband did. I took a klonopin right away to preempt the breakdown. My mom is coming over. Sometimes this is good. Sometimes she says things like, You just have to buck up, kiddo. Or, We all have rough patches and need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.

A few years ago I had a similar fall from grace. Being so “out of control” isn’t really the thing to do in my family. You should really have a better handle on who you are and how to maintain your composure. I had been taking some medication for the cluster headaches I get, and felt it was interfering with my cognitive abilities in a new job. I stopped taking the meds, and didn’t tell anyone, including my neurologist. Poor judgment on my part, yes! I was out of work for a month, and ultimately left that job. There was no way to recover in my role.

At the time, I felt that my husband (boyfriend then) and sister-in-law were the ones who really pulled me through. She had suffered incredible post-partum depression, for which I took time off of work to help her out. She understands the gripping, crushing, TRUE breathtaking pain you feel that you cannot explain. And then you try to put a reason on it. Then you sit with a therapist and feel more screwed up than ever before. Circling the drain.

This time it doesn’t feel as bad. But it feels bad. And I am scared, because there have been a lot of stresses, and am I ready for all of this, having a baby? But this is it, our shot, now or never. And I am crumbling under the pressure.

Someone please help stop the pain. I just know it will go away, but when?

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 2009

I have been crying for two days straight. I don’t know why. I am trying to attach all of these reasons why I could be so upset. You would think by now I would have run out of tears. I cry about not having a baby. About not being able to find a job. About being so incredibly lonely being on my own all day. I cry listening to the new Miley Cyrus song. I know for sure there is something wrong. I don’t know what. I would think that all my tears would be gone.

Two days. I woke up Saturday morning with that feeling…the moment where your life feels beautiful, and before you can realize you are fully awake, you have crashed. My husband was off already on a long bike ride. I lay in bed wailing, sobbing, gasping for air…hoping it would be gone before he returned. I had no explanation.

By the time he came home I was exhausted by tears, dehydrated, nauseated. Still, no good explanation. I started grasping for things. I thought I needed REAL help, like to go to the hospital.

We made it through Saturday with a lot of crying, gatorade and hubby by my side.

Today is worse. I called my mom. I didn’t know what to do. She put my dad on the other line. I cried to them. I don’t know what I said. I have a therapist. We called her, made an appointment for tomorrow, Monday. I am hanging on to get to her.

I don’t know if the hysteroscopy threw me over the edge. Maybe this whole year has been too hard. All I know is that I want to have a great sleep and wake up to a sunny day and a happy feeling.

FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 2009

Holy phone calls, Batman! It has been a busy few days. I called our coordinator and nurse and let them know that I REALLY did not want to wait until April 15 to have the procedure. I mean, look, I am not in any real hurry to go through the pain, I KNOW it will hurt, but I want as few interruptions as possible.

So, at first they said one of the other docs, who originally found it, could do it Tuesday, March, 31. AWESOME! Over and done. Then he couldn’t. Don’t know why. Then the soonest he can see me is Tuesday, April 7. This is only a week later. I think, ok, no problem.

We’re on! They’ll call in bcp for me to take until the procedure (Reclipsen, never had that one) and later a few other pre-op meds. We’re on the way.

And, by the way, I am told I do get a nice IV cocktail for this procedure. Bless the anesthesiologist.

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2009

Today we are on our way to have our baseline ultra sound…if all is well, we will start our IVF procedure this month. I am crossing fingers, toes, legs (I’ll have to uncross those later!), hoping we are ready to start.

I have an enormous mix of emotions about this. I am still unemployed. The economy is not helping our situation, and we don’t have the time to wait to do this. It is now or never. We keep believing that everything works itself out. No freelance work to be found. I even applied as a cashier at a candy story. NO GO. Overqualified. I just have to laugh. Okay, everyone laugh with me! I thought at least I could help my husband’s very expensive candy habit by working there. And I could merchandise cute windows. Ah, a pipe dream…

Okay, off for the ultrasound, more later…

We’re back…very sad and frustrated…I have to have the hysteroscopy. And I am a bit ticked because there seemed to be some discussion between a couple of the docs a month or so ago as to whether or not I needed it. Ultimately, they decided watch and wait. Well, we watched today and that little bugger is still there. Ummmmm….what the f?

To make matters worse, my doc is going on vacation in a few days and can’t fit me in until the week of April 12. No one seems to understand that is, oh, 3 weeks from now and not only will we miss this cycle, but probably the next if we wait that long.

Can you hear my heart crumbling to pieces?

My husband is trying to find the silver lining…this gives us more time to look for a job for you…we have more time to prepare…and on. He is sweet. He is trying. He can’t get it unless he is in it. It’s not his fault. I don’t blame him. I am not mad, angry, resentful.

Just silently sad.

MONDAY, MARCH 9, 2009

Brief conversation with Dr. Fujimoto…he said that he felt the bright spot on the saline sonogram was likely an air bubble and we should go ahead and review again at my baseline ultrasound when we get ready for our first round of IVF in a few weeks.

YAY! I thank him and am ready to hang up. He is not ready to hang up.

He wants to talk about my Day 3 blood work…my FSH remains about the same, 8.9. However, my Estradiol was 148 and shouldn’t be higher than 60-70. This will make it a challenge to balance my hormones without overstimulating my ovaries.

What does this mean? Can we keep on our schedule? What will we do?

He says: You need to be on the Microdose Flare Protocol. AND, with your husband’s latest test results, and his sperm count going down, I strongly recommend ICSI for you. Ok, ta ta!

That was pretty much it. He is busy. I always talk to him on speakerphone which makes me think he is multi-tasking on me, even though he is totally on top of it.

He did say that I needed to schedule my baseline ultrasound for Day Seven. I’m on it. I WANT TO DO THIS NOW.