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TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2009

Today is the day, we have been somewhat anxiously waiting for…whatever this “foreign body” is showing up on my ultrasound is disturbing to me. As I said before, it renders as a BRIGHT WHITE object among a field of black and grey sound waves. I am going to ask for the films today when we go in. I like to have everything in my own file, and then maybe I can post for you all to see. It isn’t subtle.

I am challenged by the angles we look at the uterus during the ultrasound, so I am unclear exactly where it is. Suddenly I feel uneducated, I am usually pretty on top of it.

I have a few small pre-op instructions, and as I have reviewed them this morning, I am getting really anxious. Not so much that it will go wrong. From what I understand, there are very few risks…infection, puncture of the endometrium…all less than 1%. I think I am scared of the pain. The HSG and Saline Sonogram were more painful for me than the average bear. I am working hard at just breathing this morning, and not getting worked up. However, I have not been able to keep myself out of the bathroom for long, yikes! Nerves.

The procedure is at 1p, with a check-in of noon. I’ll pick hubby up at 11:40a.

Here are the pre-op instructions:

  • Take 1 Doxycycline at bedtime night before procedure
  • Take 1 Doxycycline morning of procedure
  • No food or water after 10a
  • Bring pre-op meds with you to noon check-in (They called in 1 valium, 2 vicodin)

OKAY! I’ll be interested to see how it goes. I expect I’ll be drugged up after the procedure as they’ll give IV fentanyl or verced during as well. Luck to me 🙂

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2009

It would seem that the bcp was the culprit. I am feeling better all the time. Thank god the crying is over. Although, I am now very anxious about what is to come with the injections. Right now I can’t think too much about it, I just need to go day by day.

We decided to head out of town for the weekend. Hubbo has been working too hard, and a change of scenery will do me good.

Tuesday, April 7 is the hysteroscopy. I am sure there will be plenty to report next week.

TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 2009

Would you believe that the bcp they put me on last week caused this total melt down? I suppose I should have thought of it, but I wasn’t thinking of anything except how to stop the crying. I have stopped that particular bcp (Reclipsen) and gone back to what I was taking before I got married (Levora). Levora never caused any problems, so we should know pretty shortly if this is the issue.

I can say, I am incredibly tired, and for once, grateful I am not working right now.

My parents have been unbelievably supportive. My mother took me to my psychiatrist appointment and waited outside in the car. When I got back in the car she didn’t ask questions, probe for answers, I was shocked. She just wanted to take me to eat, she said I looked a little gaunt. After lunch she came over, cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry. I took a little nap, she read some mags and just sat with me. I felt a little like a child, but I really needed my mom to just be my mom, and she was. I could never put into words how that helped me, and how much it means to me that she did that.

I am exhausted, so that’s all I can journal for today. Interested to see how I progress throughout the week.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2009

Still waiting on my mom, listening to one of my favorite songs by Lyle Lovett, If I Needed You. My husband had said, If you need me, call me, have them get me if I am in a meeting, I can be home in five minutes. He means it, he does. But he is busy, and we need him to have a job now! So I listen to this song instead and have great solace.

If I needed you
Would you come to me
Would you come to me
And ease my pain
If you needed me
I would come to you
I’d swim the seas
For to ease your pain

In the night forlorn
Ah, the morning’s born
And the morning shines
With the lights of love
You will miss sunrise
If you close your eyes
That would break
My heart in two

Lady’s with me now
Since I showed her how
To lay her lilly hand in mine
Loop and Lil agree
She’s a sight to see
And a treasure for
The poor to find

Here is a video of EmmyLou Harris doing a cover. LOVE THIS SONG.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2009

It just won’t stop. I am in a fog. And it has nothing to do with our San Francisco weather. The day is beautiful. The kind that is so clear you want to run outside and do anything.

I made sure to get out of bed as soon as my husband did. I took a klonopin right away to preempt the breakdown. My mom is coming over. Sometimes this is good. Sometimes she says things like, You just have to buck up, kiddo. Or, We all have rough patches and need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.

A few years ago I had a similar fall from grace. Being so “out of control” isn’t really the thing to do in my family. You should really have a better handle on who you are and how to maintain your composure. I had been taking some medication for the cluster headaches I get, and felt it was interfering with my cognitive abilities in a new job. I stopped taking the meds, and didn’t tell anyone, including my neurologist. Poor judgment on my part, yes! I was out of work for a month, and ultimately left that job. There was no way to recover in my role.

At the time, I felt that my husband (boyfriend then) and sister-in-law were the ones who really pulled me through. She had suffered incredible post-partum depression, for which I took time off of work to help her out. She understands the gripping, crushing, TRUE breathtaking pain you feel that you cannot explain. And then you try to put a reason on it. Then you sit with a therapist and feel more screwed up than ever before. Circling the drain.

This time it doesn’t feel as bad. But it feels bad. And I am scared, because there have been a lot of stresses, and am I ready for all of this, having a baby? But this is it, our shot, now or never. And I am crumbling under the pressure.

Someone please help stop the pain. I just know it will go away, but when?

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 2009

I have been crying for two days straight. I don’t know why. I am trying to attach all of these reasons why I could be so upset. You would think by now I would have run out of tears. I cry about not having a baby. About not being able to find a job. About being so incredibly lonely being on my own all day. I cry listening to the new Miley Cyrus song. I know for sure there is something wrong. I don’t know what. I would think that all my tears would be gone.

Two days. I woke up Saturday morning with that feeling…the moment where your life feels beautiful, and before you can realize you are fully awake, you have crashed. My husband was off already on a long bike ride. I lay in bed wailing, sobbing, gasping for air…hoping it would be gone before he returned. I had no explanation.

By the time he came home I was exhausted by tears, dehydrated, nauseated. Still, no good explanation. I started grasping for things. I thought I needed REAL help, like to go to the hospital.

We made it through Saturday with a lot of crying, gatorade and hubby by my side.

Today is worse. I called my mom. I didn’t know what to do. She put my dad on the other line. I cried to them. I don’t know what I said. I have a therapist. We called her, made an appointment for tomorrow, Monday. I am hanging on to get to her.

I don’t know if the hysteroscopy threw me over the edge. Maybe this whole year has been too hard. All I know is that I want to have a great sleep and wake up to a sunny day and a happy feeling.

FEBRUARY, 20, 2009

I am not working right now. I am looking for a job. I am stressed that we are going through with IVF without a second income. As my husband likes to joke with me, Honey, put the cuckoo back in the clock. My mind jumps ahead months and thinks, okay, so I am pregnant, and who hires a pregnant woman? Even a woman with 15 years of incredible experience and a great portfolio. Will I be able to get a job before I get pregnant? How many tries will it take to get pregnant? Can we afford more than one or two? Can my body take it? I have these worries, but no answers. I try to not think about them too much, but I know I need to process them.

Conversely, like most people who are working right now, my husband is SLAMMED at work. It seems like everyday he has a new project or grant due. He gets home at 8 or 9p and immediately turns on the computer. I want to give him time to decompress, but some nights I am bursting at the seams to talk to him about what I have learned about our situation. It is on my mind a lot. I don’t know anyone else who has been through this. {All my friends thought, let’s have a baby, and bling! A baby.}

WEEK OF FEBRUARY 9, 2009

Dr. Fujimoto was candid, a straight shooter. I like it. No BS. My dad is a doctor, and that is how he speaks…he talks to you like an intelligent human being, not like a dummy who didn’t go to med school (even if that is the case 🙂 ) I respond well to this, I hear what people like that say clearly, and when taking notes, I find myself writing down his comments in quotation marks. Some of the things I noted…

“You have a less than 3% chance of conceiving a baby naturally.”

“You are welcome to try IUI, but I fear it will be a waste of time and money.”

“If you want to have a child, you do not have much time to waste.”

So I am walking to the car, holding my husband’s hand and clutching my notebook in the other. We got in the car in total silence. This is completely normal for my husband. He likes to reflect, do his research, make a decision. I like to research up front, know what is what and be ready to decide on the spot. The problem here was, we were ABSOLUTELY NOT EXPECTING THIS NEWS. Here I am, 38 years old. Healthy by all accounts. And I had done what most women in San Francisco have done, focused on career, dated around. I was proud of what I had achieved in my professional life. Having worked as Creative and Art Director for some of the world’s most recognizable retail brands, I had a rich life, I had traveled extensively, I had experiences my mother never had getting married at age 19. I also truly believed that I wouldn’t have been mature enough to let my husband in my life when I met him. He is the pure opposite of what I thought “my list” would add up to, although he couldn’t be more perfect for me.

I love him more than anything…more than sushi, cupcakes, InStyle magazine, graphic design history, Prada…I mean, I LOVE this man.

I start thinking about some of the other things Dr. F said. Then I start to resent what everyone else in my life said to me when I was so sad I hadn’t met THE ONE…”They” say, Be an independent woman, have a career, what’s the rush? Why do you want to get married so early and have a family? People are having babies well into their 40’s these days! No one stops to tell you how hard it may be to fulfill the dreams you have had since you were a child. I feel like I was duped all these years. No one let me in on the secret. Suddenly I am here, I am the statistic.