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MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2009

Still waiting on my mom, listening to one of my favorite songs by Lyle Lovett, If I Needed You. My husband had said, If you need me, call me, have them get me if I am in a meeting, I can be home in five minutes. He means it, he does. But he is busy, and we need him to have a job now! So I listen to this song instead and have great solace.

If I needed you
Would you come to me
Would you come to me
And ease my pain
If you needed me
I would come to you
I’d swim the seas
For to ease your pain

In the night forlorn
Ah, the morning’s born
And the morning shines
With the lights of love
You will miss sunrise
If you close your eyes
That would break
My heart in two

Lady’s with me now
Since I showed her how
To lay her lilly hand in mine
Loop and Lil agree
She’s a sight to see
And a treasure for
The poor to find

Here is a video of EmmyLou Harris doing a cover. LOVE THIS SONG.

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TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2009

Today we are on our way to have our baseline ultra sound…if all is well, we will start our IVF procedure this month. I am crossing fingers, toes, legs (I’ll have to uncross those later!), hoping we are ready to start.

I have an enormous mix of emotions about this. I am still unemployed. The economy is not helping our situation, and we don’t have the time to wait to do this. It is now or never. We keep believing that everything works itself out. No freelance work to be found. I even applied as a cashier at a candy story. NO GO. Overqualified. I just have to laugh. Okay, everyone laugh with me! I thought at least I could help my husband’s very expensive candy habit by working there. And I could merchandise cute windows. Ah, a pipe dream…

Okay, off for the ultrasound, more later…

We’re back…very sad and frustrated…I have to have the hysteroscopy. And I am a bit ticked because there seemed to be some discussion between a couple of the docs a month or so ago as to whether or not I needed it. Ultimately, they decided watch and wait. Well, we watched today and that little bugger is still there. Ummmmm….what the f?

To make matters worse, my doc is going on vacation in a few days and can’t fit me in until the week of April 12. No one seems to understand that is, oh, 3 weeks from now and not only will we miss this cycle, but probably the next if we wait that long.

Can you hear my heart crumbling to pieces?

My husband is trying to find the silver lining…this gives us more time to look for a job for you…we have more time to prepare…and on. He is sweet. He is trying. He can’t get it unless he is in it. It’s not his fault. I don’t blame him. I am not mad, angry, resentful.

Just silently sad.

WEEK OF FEBRUARY 9, 2009

Dr. Fujimoto was candid, a straight shooter. I like it. No BS. My dad is a doctor, and that is how he speaks…he talks to you like an intelligent human being, not like a dummy who didn’t go to med school (even if that is the case 🙂 ) I respond well to this, I hear what people like that say clearly, and when taking notes, I find myself writing down his comments in quotation marks. Some of the things I noted…

“You have a less than 3% chance of conceiving a baby naturally.”

“You are welcome to try IUI, but I fear it will be a waste of time and money.”

“If you want to have a child, you do not have much time to waste.”

So I am walking to the car, holding my husband’s hand and clutching my notebook in the other. We got in the car in total silence. This is completely normal for my husband. He likes to reflect, do his research, make a decision. I like to research up front, know what is what and be ready to decide on the spot. The problem here was, we were ABSOLUTELY NOT EXPECTING THIS NEWS. Here I am, 38 years old. Healthy by all accounts. And I had done what most women in San Francisco have done, focused on career, dated around. I was proud of what I had achieved in my professional life. Having worked as Creative and Art Director for some of the world’s most recognizable retail brands, I had a rich life, I had traveled extensively, I had experiences my mother never had getting married at age 19. I also truly believed that I wouldn’t have been mature enough to let my husband in my life when I met him. He is the pure opposite of what I thought “my list” would add up to, although he couldn’t be more perfect for me.

I love him more than anything…more than sushi, cupcakes, InStyle magazine, graphic design history, Prada…I mean, I LOVE this man.

I start thinking about some of the other things Dr. F said. Then I start to resent what everyone else in my life said to me when I was so sad I hadn’t met THE ONE…”They” say, Be an independent woman, have a career, what’s the rush? Why do you want to get married so early and have a family? People are having babies well into their 40’s these days! No one stops to tell you how hard it may be to fulfill the dreams you have had since you were a child. I feel like I was duped all these years. No one let me in on the secret. Suddenly I am here, I am the statistic.