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I remembered today that a year or so ago I started a blog. A way to chronicle my path to starting our family. Possibly a place for others to come and get information. But definitely not a blog I would need to revisit more than a year later, with no great progress to speak of.

So, where are we? How are things going?

Here’s the short story:

Our first round of IVF “took,” yet vanished quickly.

Our second round of IVF didn’t work.

I went back to work after spending a full year of trying to conceive, exercising, eating perfectly, and slowly becoming a different person.

After two full rounds of IVF, and several procedures chronicled here, we have 6 frozen embryos. Monday, May 17, 2010 we will have a FET with 3 embies.

After a year of working hard core, long hours, I am not working again.

There is much to update, but that is the short story.

Monday is a big day. Think thick!

I will have two full days of bed rest, and more updates to come. I have received great feedback, comments, and loving stories from the world. Thank you. There is no way to adequately express my gratitude. I just hope, and know, that all that have been through this know how deeply I feel towards all those who have had kind words.

And, a very special thank you to everyone who sent well wishes without telling me “to just relax and it will happen.”

hugs to all. xxoo.


I have been overwhelmed by the response to my little blog here…and the number of people who have emailed and commented. I know I have been a bit silent for the past month, it has been a tough one. I am going to write a few posts in the coming days to catch up, we have had some interesting things going on that others may be able to learn from.

A quick little update…we are mid-cycle and are having our retrieval the week of May 11 (next week!) and the implantation a few days later, of course. Tomorrow we have an ultra sound and I’ll have much more information following that appointment.

Think 13mm follicles and thick uterine lining 🙂

More to come…


Today is the day, we have been somewhat anxiously waiting for…whatever this “foreign body” is showing up on my ultrasound is disturbing to me. As I said before, it renders as a BRIGHT WHITE object among a field of black and grey sound waves. I am going to ask for the films today when we go in. I like to have everything in my own file, and then maybe I can post for you all to see. It isn’t subtle.

I am challenged by the angles we look at the uterus during the ultrasound, so I am unclear exactly where it is. Suddenly I feel uneducated, I am usually pretty on top of it.

I have a few small pre-op instructions, and as I have reviewed them this morning, I am getting really anxious. Not so much that it will go wrong. From what I understand, there are very few risks…infection, puncture of the endometrium…all less than 1%. I think I am scared of the pain. The HSG and Saline Sonogram were more painful for me than the average bear. I am working hard at just breathing this morning, and not getting worked up. However, I have not been able to keep myself out of the bathroom for long, yikes! Nerves.

The procedure is at 1p, with a check-in of noon. I’ll pick hubby up at 11:40a.

Here are the pre-op instructions:

  • Take 1 Doxycycline at bedtime night before procedure
  • Take 1 Doxycycline morning of procedure
  • No food or water after 10a
  • Bring pre-op meds with you to noon check-in (They called in 1 valium, 2 vicodin)

OKAY! I’ll be interested to see how it goes. I expect I’ll be drugged up after the procedure as they’ll give IV fentanyl or verced during as well. Luck to me 🙂

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MONDAY, MARCH 30, 2009

It just won’t stop. I am in a fog. And it has nothing to do with our San Francisco weather. The day is beautiful. The kind that is so clear you want to run outside and do anything.

I made sure to get out of bed as soon as my husband did. I took a klonopin right away to preempt the breakdown. My mom is coming over. Sometimes this is good. Sometimes she says things like, You just have to buck up, kiddo. Or, We all have rough patches and need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.

A few years ago I had a similar fall from grace. Being so “out of control” isn’t really the thing to do in my family. You should really have a better handle on who you are and how to maintain your composure. I had been taking some medication for the cluster headaches I get, and felt it was interfering with my cognitive abilities in a new job. I stopped taking the meds, and didn’t tell anyone, including my neurologist. Poor judgment on my part, yes! I was out of work for a month, and ultimately left that job. There was no way to recover in my role.

At the time, I felt that my husband (boyfriend then) and sister-in-law were the ones who really pulled me through. She had suffered incredible post-partum depression, for which I took time off of work to help her out. She understands the gripping, crushing, TRUE breathtaking pain you feel that you cannot explain. And then you try to put a reason on it. Then you sit with a therapist and feel more screwed up than ever before. Circling the drain.

This time it doesn’t feel as bad. But it feels bad. And I am scared, because there have been a lot of stresses, and am I ready for all of this, having a baby? But this is it, our shot, now or never. And I am crumbling under the pressure.

Someone please help stop the pain. I just know it will go away, but when?


So we were told yesterday there was a “foreign body” in the lining of my uterus. Something that was in the uterus that the lining “embraced” and grew around. Well, I am happy that my uterus embraces others, is very friendly, but not foreign things! And oh, the conversation I had with the doctor. Could it be…a tampon? condom? uhhhh, toy? MORTIFIED! NO, none of the above.

Last night was spent on the internet, site to site to site. What is a hysteroscopy? Is it painful? On and on and on. I did learn something important…it does need to be done the week after your period, this is the best time based on the thickness of the lining of your uterus.

So I wait to hear from Dr. F to see what he says, do we do it, or does he think it is an air bubble? I am kind of freaking out that there is some random foreign body in the uterus. I can’t stand it when there is something in there…a cyst we have to wait to grow or burst, a small fibroid. I just don’t like it.

So again, we watch and wait.


I was up early today, LOTS of blood work to get done with a couple of them fasting since 8p last night. I also wanted to be the first there to just get it over with. I arrived at 7:30a, found a space right in front and realized they were not open until 8a. Okay, time to listen to the radio. Little by little I watch a few people come and go from the front door of the lab. I wonder, do they just think they’ll come back later since it is closed? DUH. Holy Dum Dum, Batman. The lab is CLOSED, closed. And has moved to the Cal Pacific Medical Center. So I book it down the street, and still make it as the second person on the list.

Let me say up front, my dad is a Hematologist. I am SCARED of needles. How funny is that? Over the years I have learned which are the least painful, espeically when there are many vials to fill. I recommend the green butterfly needle. This has a bit of  a larger bore needle (to vacuum the blood out faster) and a long plastic tubing that the tech can attach the vial to collect the blood. The new needles have a VERY cool new retractable feature so when the tech is done, the needle is pulled into the hard plastic core to protect the tech. I LOVE this invention.

Butterfly Needles

Butterfly Needles

In this photo you will see the blue butterfly needle as well. This is a smaller bore needle. This hurts SO LITTLE, but does take longer to draw the blood.

The lab techs couldn’t have been nicer. They saw the number of vials they needed to draw—14!!!—and felt immediately my anxiety. The whole process went really quickly…Here is a YouTube video of a guy getting his blood taken to show you what to expect.


Follow instructions. If they tell you to fast, follow that carefully. This could throw off your results, and ultimately delay your cycle.

Eat. Make sure you have something with you to eat after you give your blood. This is not like  giving a vial or two for a regular office visit. They collected 14 vials of blood.

Get up slowly. You may be lightheaded. If they have some juice, drink it. Don’t try to be tough, drink your juice!

Give yourself some time to rest. If you can, try to just take an hour at home on the couch to recoup. I went and got my favorite latte and muffin and enjoyed the previous night’s TiVo of Law & Order.


One of my friends said, in short:

“Oh, IVF, they do that all the time. Everyone is doing it! Apparently it doesn’t hurt any more than a root canal!”

would you like a root canal?

would you like a root canal?

ARE WE ON THE SAME PLANET? I swear, I thought I was speaking a different language to a complete alien.

So I am talking this week to a few of my close friend about this. Now you must know, all of my friends have children. ALSO, within the last two weeks, 4 of my good friends have told me they are pregnant. I couldn’t be happier for them. They are all wonderful mothers, and are extremely excited to be pregnant. In fact, one of my dearest friends has been trying for 4-5 years. After many miscarriages, she is in the clear. I love her so much, and am OVER THE MOON for her.

At the same time, as I talk to my mom, sister-in-law and girlfriends about this, they do all seem a bit blasé. Are they trying to downplay it to make me feel better? Do they just not understand how dire our situation has become? Maybe people only want to hear good news? In the end, it comes across as they are blowing me off. My own brother, who I think I am quite close to, didn’t even call me to discuss until I phoned him first. At times, I think I am being dramatic, over thinking it all, and having sky-high expectations for those around me. Finding a way to balance that has been near impossible for me this week. I am not working right now, and am on my own most days. This leaves much time to think and research. Time has been just creeping by.

The most redeeming part of my day is there is a new episode of LOST on tonight.