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TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2009

Today is the day, we have been somewhat anxiously waiting for…whatever this “foreign body” is showing up on my ultrasound is disturbing to me. As I said before, it renders as a BRIGHT WHITE object among a field of black and grey sound waves. I am going to ask for the films today when we go in. I like to have everything in my own file, and then maybe I can post for you all to see. It isn’t subtle.

I am challenged by the angles we look at the uterus during the ultrasound, so I am unclear exactly where it is. Suddenly I feel uneducated, I am usually pretty on top of it.

I have a few small pre-op instructions, and as I have reviewed them this morning, I am getting really anxious. Not so much that it will go wrong. From what I understand, there are very few risks…infection, puncture of the endometrium…all less than 1%. I think I am scared of the pain. The HSG and Saline Sonogram were more painful for me than the average bear. I am working hard at just breathing this morning, and not getting worked up. However, I have not been able to keep myself out of the bathroom for long, yikes! Nerves.

The procedure is at 1p, with a check-in of noon. I’ll pick hubby up at 11:40a.

Here are the pre-op instructions:

  • Take 1 Doxycycline at bedtime night before procedure
  • Take 1 Doxycycline morning of procedure
  • No food or water after 10a
  • Bring pre-op meds with you to noon check-in (They called in 1 valium, 2 vicodin)

OKAY! I’ll be interested to see how it goes. I expect I’ll be drugged up after the procedure as they’ll give IV fentanyl or verced during as well. Luck to me 🙂

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FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2009

It would seem that the bcp was the culprit. I am feeling better all the time. Thank god the crying is over. Although, I am now very anxious about what is to come with the injections. Right now I can’t think too much about it, I just need to go day by day.

We decided to head out of town for the weekend. Hubbo has been working too hard, and a change of scenery will do me good.

Tuesday, April 7 is the hysteroscopy. I am sure there will be plenty to report next week.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 2009

I have been crying for two days straight. I don’t know why. I am trying to attach all of these reasons why I could be so upset. You would think by now I would have run out of tears. I cry about not having a baby. About not being able to find a job. About being so incredibly lonely being on my own all day. I cry listening to the new Miley Cyrus song. I know for sure there is something wrong. I don’t know what. I would think that all my tears would be gone.

Two days. I woke up Saturday morning with that feeling…the moment where your life feels beautiful, and before you can realize you are fully awake, you have crashed. My husband was off already on a long bike ride. I lay in bed wailing, sobbing, gasping for air…hoping it would be gone before he returned. I had no explanation.

By the time he came home I was exhausted by tears, dehydrated, nauseated. Still, no good explanation. I started grasping for things. I thought I needed REAL help, like to go to the hospital.

We made it through Saturday with a lot of crying, gatorade and hubby by my side.

Today is worse. I called my mom. I didn’t know what to do. She put my dad on the other line. I cried to them. I don’t know what I said. I have a therapist. We called her, made an appointment for tomorrow, Monday. I am hanging on to get to her.

I don’t know if the hysteroscopy threw me over the edge. Maybe this whole year has been too hard. All I know is that I want to have a great sleep and wake up to a sunny day and a happy feeling.

FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 2009

Holy phone calls, Batman! It has been a busy few days. I called our coordinator and nurse and let them know that I REALLY did not want to wait until April 15 to have the procedure. I mean, look, I am not in any real hurry to go through the pain, I KNOW it will hurt, but I want as few interruptions as possible.

So, at first they said one of the other docs, who originally found it, could do it Tuesday, March, 31. AWESOME! Over and done. Then he couldn’t. Don’t know why. Then the soonest he can see me is Tuesday, April 7. This is only a week later. I think, ok, no problem.

We’re on! They’ll call in bcp for me to take until the procedure (Reclipsen, never had that one) and later a few other pre-op meds. We’re on the way.

And, by the way, I am told I do get a nice IV cocktail for this procedure. Bless the anesthesiologist.

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 2009

Today we are on our way to have our baseline ultra sound…if all is well, we will start our IVF procedure this month. I am crossing fingers, toes, legs (I’ll have to uncross those later!), hoping we are ready to start.

I have an enormous mix of emotions about this. I am still unemployed. The economy is not helping our situation, and we don’t have the time to wait to do this. It is now or never. We keep believing that everything works itself out. No freelance work to be found. I even applied as a cashier at a candy story. NO GO. Overqualified. I just have to laugh. Okay, everyone laugh with me! I thought at least I could help my husband’s very expensive candy habit by working there. And I could merchandise cute windows. Ah, a pipe dream…

Okay, off for the ultrasound, more later…

We’re back…very sad and frustrated…I have to have the hysteroscopy. And I am a bit ticked because there seemed to be some discussion between a couple of the docs a month or so ago as to whether or not I needed it. Ultimately, they decided watch and wait. Well, we watched today and that little bugger is still there. Ummmmm….what the f?

To make matters worse, my doc is going on vacation in a few days and can’t fit me in until the week of April 12. No one seems to understand that is, oh, 3 weeks from now and not only will we miss this cycle, but probably the next if we wait that long.

Can you hear my heart crumbling to pieces?

My husband is trying to find the silver lining…this gives us more time to look for a job for you…we have more time to prepare…and on. He is sweet. He is trying. He can’t get it unless he is in it. It’s not his fault. I don’t blame him. I am not mad, angry, resentful.

Just silently sad.

I had my annual exam October 2008. At this time, I pressed the issue with my ob/gyn regarding next steps aiding our fertility. I was disappointed by her knowledge, or lack thereof, of both male and female fertility issues. This doctor is one of the most reputed in Northern California, and has been mine since I was 17 years old. When I asked her a few (in my opinion) basic questions, she was unable to answer them to my satisfaction. In general, I found her answers vague, uninformed and lacksidasical.

A few of the questions I asked:

  • Is there any concerns that my previous inclination toward cyst development is impeding my ability to get pregnant?
  • Has the amount of / duration of time I have taken birth control pills affected my ability to ovulate, and thus get pregnant?
  • What do you make of my cycle length(s)? (They were erratic for the first 4 months, then regulated at 24/25 days)
  • Are there dietary or environmental changes I can make to affect potential conception?

At the end of the exam, based on my short cycle length, my doctor recommended we begin a course of Clomid treatment for 3-6 months. Should this be ineffective, she recommended we see a specialist. She briefly explained to me that Clomid is the most common first-line fertility treatment used, roughly in about 25% of women with trouble conceiving. The purpose of Clomid is to establish a regular ovulation pattern. Unlike many other fertility medications which promote the production of more eggs from follicles, Clomid focuses on regular development of a single egg.

I left my appointment a bit frustrated by my doctor’s lack of knowledge, but excited to have a direction. I was off to my computer to do a little research. Google can be both a blessing and a curse in these situations.

MY ADVICE: Always proceed with caution! There is a TON of information out there, and at a certain point, you have to shut it all out and have a direct conversation with your provider to understand the best course of action for your case.

None the less…after a bit of research, my husband and I concluded that there were several tests that were supposed to be ordered prior to Clomid therapy. Additionally, I was suspect as to whether or not Clomid was the right course. After several messages to my doctor’s office, I was able to speak with her. She ordered the following tests:

  • Day 3 FSH levels
  • Day 7 LH and Thyroid

I went into the office the following day to pick up the blood work order. Attached to it was a form checklist / cover page with the title “Infertility Testing”. {I HAVE TO SAY: I actually paused, albeit the briefest of moments, when I read that walking down the hallway. It hit me that after all these years of dreaming of my perfect husband and beautiful children, all the years of loving my nephews unconditionally, all the years of gushing over my friends’ children, I was the one who was going to have trouble having a baby. All the late nights I had worked, the fantastic trips I had taken, the unbelievable experiences I had slipped away in one breath knowing I may have waited too long.}

This checklist included the description of 6 different tests the doctor may run to determine initial fertility issues. I wondered why we hadn’t discussed this previously? I read all of them, and their descriptions, noted the ones with “X” by them indicated I needed to complete, and then studied the others crossed off-as though I wouldn’t need to worry myself with those. Oddly, I did. I read them, and googled them to get an idea of the trajectory of testing ahead.

THE CHECKLIST

  1. Day 3 FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) blood test
  2. Day 7-10 LH (Luteinizing Hormone) blood test
  3. Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)
  4. Hysteroscopy
  5. Exploratory Laproscopy
  6. Semen Analysis (PHEW! One that wasn’t for me!)

When I asked about the other tests, I was told that I would likely not need any of them. When I talked to my husband, mother and father about them, they told me I was being dramatic, and not to get ahead of myself. I just felt something was off.

At this time, I was VERY adamant with my husband that he get the semen analysis order from his doctor. I wanted to know on both sides what we were dealing with.

So, we were off! Testing was under way. We continued to have sex, during the right and “wrong” times 🙂 We used the mucous test and the First Response Ovulation Predictor Kits to determine my ovulation. When it was time, we had sex every other day. Based on my husband’s age (42) we were told he needed a day to regenerate good sperm.